neal second draft proper sst10

7 Jan

still cant get the ending right .
would like the stage to be as dark as possible or perhaps a very annoying small spot.

When it time to bind my eyelids
memories and images of fire
rage then dance on the floor
of my retinas.

pull then push my duvet
into an igloo of blankness.
It’s only a small dot.
shut my eyes

again, as pale silllohoutes
tattoo themselves onto magnolia
eyeballs – all I want to do is cut
them out with a tin opener.

to stop light forcing itself
into my eyes.
whenever it pleases
whenever it want.

these eyes
to scan the world
without walking
most of it

in 3am darkness .

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One Response to “neal second draft proper sst10”

  1. MouthyPoets January 7, 2016 at 3:14 pm #

    When it time to bind my eyelids
    memories and images of fire
    rage then dance on the floor
    of my retinas.

    – cracking opening stanza

    pull then push my duvet
    into an igloo of blankness.

    – great lines, but i think you can find a better word than ‘blankness’

    It’s only a small dot.

    – not sure what this means?

    shut my eyes

    again, as pale silllohoutes – silhouettes
    tattoo themselves onto magnolia
    eyeballs – all I want to do is cut
    them out with a tin opener.

    – . so graphic, so amazing

    to stop light forcing itself
    into my eyes.
    whenever it pleases
    whenever it want.

    – wants? i think this stanza is good, but maybe can work slightly harder?

    these eyes
    to scan the world
    without walking
    most of it

    in 3am darkness .

    – great detail with the ‘3am’

    This is a CRACKING poem Neal – super succinct and to the point.

    Only thing I’d like to see a little more of is s bit more of you in the poem – i.e. some some details that would show you and being the audience in

    Cracking stuff bud!

    Chris

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