Sarah’s SST10 Second Draft

7 Jan

I do not have a tech wish list as I am very new to performing poetry! I think all I need is a stage and a mic. This is my second draft. I have always struggled with form and never paid much attention to it when writing my own poetry but I will continue to develop on this poem until I find a form I am happy with. Overall, this poem was difficult to write. I have made it second person because the poem isn’t about me. It is for someone important to me and I wanted to make that clear.

Sarah’s SST10 Draft 2

 

Light for My Best Friend.

 

I imagine your depression is a shape shifter.

At times it is the frenzied shrill of your alarm,

Lurching you into the unwelcome solitude of morning.

 

Other times it is a yellow stream of sun,

Gliding its ways in,

Staining itself flax-gold onto the walls of your bedroom.

It coaxes you to succumb to its abrading touch on your unsheathed skin,

Lukewarm and motherly,

 

Before it moulds into a weight,

Laying across your body,

Lips pressed against your ear,

Whispering, “You are not going anywhere. Sunlight is a lie.”

 

It is skeletal fingers hooked into your shoulders,

Drowning you into the viscous black

Of curtained eyes that you have learned to breathe in.

 

Thoughts of your dad keep you afloat.

You dream he is a black bird,

Perched on the branch of a half dead tree,

Neck stretched, chorusing into a brewing sky.

 

You told me he loved to sing,

That he could turn your depression into

Goliath’s corpse in the palm of David.

You told me he could take the sun and make it rise in your chest.

 

I want you to know,

I too am a shape shifter,

I am the wind oscillating your curtains,

A reminder that the world still exhales even if you cannot.

I am the weight of food in your stomach,

The taste of toothpaste,

Your favourite song,

Piercing through the thick of silence.

I am a candle in your body depression cannot blow out.

 

 

 

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One Response to “Sarah’s SST10 Second Draft”

  1. MouthyPoets January 9, 2016 at 1:12 pm #

    Sarah, this is GREAT!
    The second-person has certainly changed how the entire poem is read, but I think I like it more, especially the way you changed back to first at the end.

    There are some really beautiful lines:
    “flax-gold”
    “chorusing into a brewing sky”
    “Goliath’s corpse in the palm of David”

    There are some parts I think you could condense – in some places you can take out a few words and it would still read the same like:
    “Gliding its way in,” (as you’ve already written stream, you already get that imagery)
    Or some sentences seem a little wordy:
    “It coaxes you to succumb to its abrading touch on your unsheathed skin,”
    “You told me he could take the sun and make it rise in your chest.”
    Although saying this, I’d love to see how it is performed, because it may seem completely different hearing you say it rather than reading it.

    I also think that part where depression whispers “You are not going anywhere. Sunlight is a lie” should be more powerful, even if thats just saying one of those things – both sounds a little too much

    The last stanza is my favourite – very very moving, and also really shows you wanting to be there for your friend. I like how you compare yourself to depression too, but the good side of it, and the last line is so powerful

    Really love it!
    Charlie

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