Chamiah sst10 2nd draft

8 Jan

Not much of a tech wish list but was thinking about playing around with light being either really bright n exposing to create a clinical feel or dark n dingey.

 

Lasts around 2mins.

 

I’ve attempted to play around with lineation driven by realisation, more so in the beginning though. So any feedback on this would be great.

Is the theme clear? Does the imagery reflect this and does the whole thing generally make sense?

 

You, will bite
your tongue
Watch this home
become a house, stranger
You ran here to return once,
But docile thighs had given out
teeth clench
hard metal tangs loud
in your do not disturb me mouth
That warm clogging sap thrusts it’s way, through the smallest of cracks
To finally gasp
for air.

“He’s been cruel to you”
She said, but
You knew nothing.

It gathers speed down thick lips
To drip
Onto the lumps and bumps disguised, under a fully made up chin
No rest for wire words they, tear on undettered
and find pleasure in hurtling themselves,
down the length of your neck.
Sitting for a while, in the diamond wishing well.
Gristle walls and collar bone encase a thousands things you’d, rather bleed than say
Rather be chained than take, veils of happiness away
That wishing well grants no wishes so red paths carry on
unable to mind the gap existing, between uneven arch of breast.
Where biding time fingers and carried away palms thundered through on their quest
You couldn’t tell.

You could have been filled
up
scooped
out
But
You couldn’t tell.
There could be a tap left on somehwere that
Drips
Drips
Drips
Into cupped palms raised to his thirsty lips that smacked and slurped all over this
But ,
You couldn’t tell.

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One Response to “Chamiah sst10 2nd draft”

  1. MouthyPoets January 9, 2016 at 1:38 pm #

    Chamiah, I absolutely love this. I think the lineation is great – it has a fantastic pace and reads so well, and you’ve put in some really clever rhymes but amongst other lines so I only really noticed them when I read it aloud.

    “Watch this home, become a house” – great line, although don’t think you need ‘stranger’, as that line already sums it up

    “Gristle walls and collar bone encase a thousands things you’d, rather bleed than say” Really great imagery

    “That wishing well grants no wishes” probably my favourite line

    You describe things in such creative ways!

    I felt like it was about some kind of betrayal (the whole “you didn’t know”, and things not feeling like they used to)… I’m sorry if I’m completely wrong! Would love to know where you got the inspiration from:)

    Charlie

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