Riyan second poem draft

8 Jan

His chiseled face and his sandy hair, his daring lips and his persistent stare, are the things that I remember most, but kinky because he would boast- about them all the time, he turned to me and said “girl, you’re fine!”, he’d attract them all like bees to a flower, but his beauty was his only power, for if you stripped him of his alluring looks, you could tell he didn’t spend much time around any books… His light lured me in, I wanted to seize it, to be illuminated by it, but it blinded every last bit of my self awareness, I’d look deep in his eyes and search for a meaning, I thought I’d found one but I was jut dreaming, for what I had thought was a deep mysterious Ocean, was noohing but a shallow puddle with no emotion.


2 Responses to “Riyan second poem draft”

  1. MouthyPoets January 10, 2016 at 2:30 pm #

    I feel like I’ve known the person this is about, or a few versions of them, mostly at school! I like how this poem is really driven by its rhythm. There were just one or two bits which sort of tripped me up as I was reading it though — I don’t remember thinking this when you read your piece on Friday so it could just be down to the form as it is on the page, or that they stand out because it flows so well the rest of the time. One was that the ‘any’ in the ‘much time around any books’ sort of tripped me up when I read it, but it sounded right when I heard you read it. The other place was ‘blinded every last bit of my self awareness’ — I love this sentence as I feel like it’s a really important bit of the poem but something about it doesn’t read smoothly to me. I like how light and dark here can mean someone’s personality as well as actual light and dark. I like that we get a strong sense of the speaker’s relationship to the character & how it changes, in only a few words

    • MouthyPoets January 14, 2016 at 9:01 pm #

      Hey Riyan,
      I’m going to agree with Beccy that anywhere the rhythm may trip up a bit while reading it aren’t as noticeable when performed, but it may be something to consider about the page version when editing and line breaking? I love the poem for its relatability and humour, but also its power and openness like admitting she fell for his persona and being let down. Particularly loving the contrast of the last two lines comparing the two types of water 😛
      This reads very well as a prose poem but if you wanted to experiment a bit you could try breaking up the sentences, such as by removing words that don’t add meaning to the piece. For example – “Chiseled face, sandy hair, daring lips, persistent stare; the things I remember most” Also, don’t be afraid to break the rhyming structure to use a more powerful word in its place!
      Hope this helps and keep writing!

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