Chris – SST10 Draft 2

10 Jan

I am in the process of turning this into a bop, which is why it’s messy at the moment, but here it is:

Pijaykin

 

Stanza 1
complete darkness

 

Let me start somewhere. When I was seven

I drew a picture of a Pijaykin. (pause)A Pijaykin is a small flame,

with big eyes, short legs, odd hands (I never could draw hands)

There is a pijaykin inside each of us, and they can be different

colours. My flame was blue (because blue is my favourite colour)

and he lived within my ribcage, hidden most of the time.

When I could hear my parents arguing downstairs, my Pijaykin

would keep me warm. When Sean Seavey, the prick, put chewing

gum in my hair  the Pijaykin didn’t laugh.  When my father left,

my pijaykin stayed. I showed my teacher my Pijaykin. She said it was wrong,

That the homework had to be based on a real mythical creature.

I wanted to say ‘how can you have a real mythical creature’

Or something clever But all I said was

Poss refrain?

‘He is real

to me.’

 

Stanza 2

Complete Darkness

 

Let me start somewhere else. In our playground

the red-blue-red-blue stroked the tarmac too often.

Nicking sweets or punches thrown like explosions.

They were explosions. Dynamite catching light

from the spark inside, the few that still had their flames.

 

Mine was old, gas cooker low, too many dousing from Can’t, Don’t

& Not Like That. When the day came that the sun shrivelled,

blackholed my eyes, I was sure it was gone, just fumes and smoke

and the black ash that marked where that little flame had once stood,
Stanza 3

Complete Darkness

 

I was sure it was gone, just fumes and smoke and the black ash

that marked where that little flame had once stood, but I was wrong.       

(All lights up or maybe just one light up, but meaninful – perhaps a spot on me centre stage?)

It was still there, hiding in the night sky, the last star

in a solar system beneath my skin. And then I found them.

Lone stars brought together under the Sky Mirror, lost,

flickering, their flames nearly out, but when one would flicker

threatening to fall cold, another would touch it.

That’s the thing with Pijaykins. So long as they’re still flammable,

it only takes one touch from another’s flame,

 

and yours is given life again.

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One Response to “Chris – SST10 Draft 2”

  1. MouthyPoets January 13, 2016 at 2:48 pm #

    Hi Chris,

    Really like the poem in both forms I’ve seen it in. I think I preferred the last version, but that’s probably because it was neater.

    I think this poem could fit really well into the structure of a bop as the poem splits really nicely into three sections.

    A quick thought on the refrain. It could go from “he was real to me” in stanza 1, to something like ” he was no longer real to me” in stanza 2, an end with with something like “he became real again” in stanza three.

    I found the poem more uneven than in the earlier version. I found the first stanza was the strongest and built a really good picture of the Pijaykin and the protagonists relationship to it.

    In the second stanza I’m unsure what “In our playground//the red-blue-red-blue stroked the tarmac too often” refers to. I thought it meant Pijakin’s dragging along the floor or kids fluctuating between a red and blue state. Also in this part of the stanza I wasn’t sure whether its describing what the protagonist was like on the playground or what the playground was generally like. Also, I think the poem would be a lot stronger if you described the process of dousing/losing the Pijaken in more depth.

    The repetition in the third stanza didn’t add anything to me.

    “It was still there, hiding in the night sky, the last star// in a solar system beneath my skin.”

    In this line the Pijakin is both in the night sky and in a solar system beneath the protagonists skin. I don’t think it can do both in the same sentence, but that could just be me being anal.

    Perhaps, the last stanza would benefit from being more concrete. A scene of two people meeting for the first time ?

    I really love the ending. I think It would be better with the last line ” and yours is given life again” cut.

    I hope this is coherent feedback that helps. Look forward to seeing you perform this.

    Jacob

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