Emily SST10 draft 3

11 Jan

Emily here – I’d love feedback

 

There is a possibility I will break this week

because of you

but that’s fine

because

sometime when you show the broken things

in the right light

they have an element of beauty,

like shattered glass draws your eye.

If you want to see broke

you should come see my insides.

I won’t take the chance

I’ll leave all breaking to do

in my room

when I’m alone

so even if it’s bad

you won’t see

all the scars that will be left on me.

When I wake up at 2pm

and I only have a couple hours of daylight left

I’ll hope it’s right light

to make my broken bearable,

to make my broken beautiful.

And the guilt of you

that sits heavy in my gut

and closes my throat till I’m gasping for breath

takes my hand and says “what if.”

That will be bearable too.

It will be beautiful.

I’ll accept you with open arms

instead of pushing you back into the dark

and wonder how they made you look beautiful under those fluorescent lights.

So if I break tonight

I’ll write our story in my skin

and it will make you bearable

again.

It will make us beautiful

again.

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2 Responses to “Emily SST10 draft 3”

  1. MouthyPoets January 14, 2016 at 12:11 am #

    I really like this. The beginning is perfect to me – simple and strong. I particularly like the imagery of broken things in the right light, and shattered glass drawing the eye. (I’m re-reading you piece as I write this and I realise I may have too many favourite parts to list! This is a good sign πŸ™‚ )
    I enjoy the way you return to the idea of ‘the right light’, and the alliteration of ‘broken bearable/broken beautiful’ adds to the rhythm of the piece and works very well, particularly for performance.
    I recall the performance of this and I think it was paced very well, which translates well onto the page with the layout you’ve chosen.
    I love how straightforward and honest this piece can be, almost conversational – lines such as ‘if you want to see broke, you should come see my insides’ are like a smack, bang in the gut! (In a good way πŸ˜‰ ).
    The returning again to broken bearable/broken beautiful at the end is again strong and effective.
    Suggestions – (feel free to discard πŸ™‚ )
    In terms of page layout, a line break at some point in the line ‘and wonder how they made you look beautiful under those fluorescent lights’ would make it fit better with the rest of the poem.
    I really enjoy how there is a repetition of the words bearable/beautiful together throughout. To increase the impact of this, would you consider choosing a different word, (or find a way to express the sentiment slightly differently), to replace the ‘beautiful’ in the two places where it appears alone? (‘they have an element of beauty’ and ‘wonder how they made you look beautiful under those fluorescent lights’)
    Would you consider choosing a more visual word to replace the word ‘element’ in ‘they have an element of beauty’. ‘Glimmer’?? The surrounding lines are filled with wonderful imagery and I think it would help to bring this out.
    Again, very much enjoyed this! Thanks for sharing, and hope you can get something from the feedback πŸ™‚
    Mid x

  2. MouthyPoets January 14, 2016 at 2:58 pm #

    Hey Emily,

    I’m going to have to agree with Mid on the fact I love the strength of the opening, its a really simple but powerful and almost contrasting suggestion of the good inside bad things that I think is a great place to start. Also the repetition of the broken bearable, broken beautiful line is a line that sticks with me.

    This piece has a definite feeling of being beautiful in its straightforwardness and honesty and creating a very powerful atmosphere through that layout. Linking back to Debris’ feedback on your last draft of making sure each word is working hard, maybe you could emphasise this power in your poem by removing words that aren’t necessary to conveying what you mean in this piece? For example: The guilt of you sits heavy in my gut, closes my throat..

    Hope this helps and keep writing!
    Kat

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