Georgina wilding sst10 draft 2

11 Jan

Sorry it’s in pic format – uploading at work so can’t re type:

 

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3 Responses to “Georgina wilding sst10 draft 2”

  1. secondanne January 11, 2016 at 8:42 pm #

    Ah yes! I think you’ve got it now – think there are typos – ‘split’ or ‘spilt’?Spilled? I think you mean split…
    Winds pressed up their cheeks or wind pressed up their cheek…
    It’s very intimate 🙂
    Those last few edits made all the difference I think – how are you going to stage it?

    Anne x

  2. MouthyPoets January 11, 2016 at 11:59 pm #

    I’m totally in love with this. Love all those human elements you have given inanimate objects. The wind pressing its cheek up against the window – I can really *see* that.

    I also love the way the poem moves down the page and shrinks as it zooms in to certain elements, then swells back up in

    “The clouds clapped loud enough
    to be heard.”

    I think that’s quite an invasive line… in a good way.

    Last line is awesome.

    Have you thought about any image you might want to use alongside your poem in the zine? There are so many great, strong images here you’re spoilt for choice!

    Bridie x

  3. MouthyPoets January 13, 2016 at 12:23 pm #

    Hey Georgina,

    I really love this piece. It has a wonderful rhythm and some really strong lines. I love the way it builds and sets a mood for the last images of the protagonist on the floor with goosebumps.

    The line ending with “panelled grin” didn’t produce an image for me. I think it would, if panelled was replaced or removed by something. I also thought it would be better as “a panelled grin.”

    The line “winds.. pressed their cheek” didn’t make sense to me. Wouldn’t a plural wind have multiple cheeks? Does the wind have to be plural ? Also,is the word up necessary?

    “and the light lapped// at all the bricks” is wonderful/beautiful, possibly my favourite.

    I think It should be “treasured by the tiles in anticipation”

    For me a butterfly on a boys arm is not treasured in the same way I imagine tiles treasuring a shoes. I imagine the boy, energetic and excited, struggling to stay still, and the tiles as grandfatherly, and caring. Because of this the simile didn’t enhance, the image of the shoes on the tiles as much as it could.

    What would taking out the “And the” at the beginnings of the sentences do the poem ?

    Hope this helps

    Jacob

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