SST11 2nd Draft – Kat

29 May

Ok I’ve reworked this from my first draft and still have quite a lot I want to change even now but posting it anyways. Feedback is welcome – I mainly want to know how clear the overall meaning is coming across right now before I start doing the more itty bitty editing. Running time is 2-3 minutes and I have no out of the ordinary lighting ideas at the moment just a wash, maybe a spotlight depending how intense it gets.

This story I am struggling to write about.

This story is when you should have gone straight home.
This story is still in its work uniform.
This story is practically naked.

This story is 7 shots when you get in then sleep.
This story is peer pressure
Skins and Tesco’s
It is stiff doors and Chinese food and details scattered like cigarette butts on the utility room floor.
It is knives and bleach and water.
This story loses track, stutters
Riddled with beige carpet burn and lack of prior knowledge.

This story is the apathy of government systems.
This story decides you look responsible enough,
crouched down on a wet floor with an unlocked back door.
It laughs along with police officers.
It talks about death by saying “it’s a fucking joke really”,
blames the parents we’ve never met.
Needs them.
needs picking up the morning after.

This story is finding a purpose.
Finding a place in your adolescence.
It’s the couch fabric pulled to pieces,
And your head of year who smiled so uncomfortably.
It’s the time you ran away when you were 14.
The broken glass on the pavement.
This story scars.

And it starts again
In a foreign evening with him being unable to stop shaking
Starts again at the bus stop two minutes late
Starts again hearing each voice break on a phone
like a richochet.

This story is ours, she says
Leaning away from the metal table top, from my notebook.
This story is your response to adults who tell you it’s just a phase.
It’s all the secrets kept because you don’t want to speak about them.

This story is unresponsive
increasingly concerned.

This story is the one you were never meant to write a poem about.

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One Response to “SST11 2nd Draft – Kat”

  1. MouthyPoets June 8, 2016 at 7:47 pm #

    hey kat neal here

    i dont think you need the first line

    the first line of the first stanza says better

    but i think it could be tightend even more

    the second stanza is great but do you mean skins as in rolling or skins as in the tv show i dont think you need the and

    crouched down on a wet floor with an unlocked back door.
    is this line needed?

    needs them

    then needs picking up the morning after

    i find both lines cancel each other out

    love the broken glass
    into this story scars

    but id personally break that into its own stanza

    who is she?

    this bit feels inside a room

    i dont think the last line is needed
    unless you devlop it abit more

    but great great poem

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