Charlie SST11 Draft

3 Jun

Its light outside about quarter to five and I’ve just finished work

I’m sweaty and I can feel my shirt

Sticking to my back now

I’m wishing I could track down

The reason in the first place

I chose this as my workplace

For £7 an hour.

Okay so its not the worst pay in the world

But when on your first day there is some pain of a girl

Being sick on your arm

Things shifting back and forth from panic to calm

Some nob has set off the fire alarm

And you’re require to maintain a level of composure and charm

You can get an understanding of what it’s like to be a bouncer

And to be honest I’m not sure I’m a very good one

I’m not big enough to get lairy

I’m not mean enough to get scary

I’m not sure my presence makes a drunk wary

And to break the stereotype I always try to treat people fairly

And sometimes I just can’t help it but laugh because the gaff I work at is the student’s union bar.

And every night it’s the same faces going past

And every night goes at the same pace not very fast

And to be honest it can get a bit boring

But sometimes the things students do and the things students don’t,

Reason escapes me.

For example take the guy standing to my right

Great guzzling gut on him some might say he’s larger than life.

Captain of the drinkers, he can do a pint in 3

Seconds that is not sips, and unfortunately

This is the third time that this evening, this gentleman has caught my eye

Because he’s posing in peoples photos and walking round with his bollocks hanging out his fly.

Tap him on the shoulder “excuse me mate, can I have a word?”

He comes surprisingly compliantly the great disgusting turd

‘’Alright mate’’ he bellows ‘’whats this all about?”

“you can’t be walking round with your bollocks hanging out”

“I’ve told you twice already let this be your final warning

Don’t do something silly you won’t remember in the morning”

And with that he lummoxed off and I turned to watch him go

But then a voice speaks in my ear from my radio

Charlie Charlie receiving?

Receiving go ahead.

There’s something happening on the smoking terrace, could be a fight there someone said.

I step from the warm into the cool night air, wade through the smokers until I can see the pair, hands on each other with a fence in between, two humongous blocks of testosterone teen.

As I get closer I see they’re bigger than me in principle,

But little do they know that in this place I’m invincible

I’ve got an armband and my boots and my waistcoat and my tie

And if it goes pear-shaped I have the cavalry on standby.

Confidence is key in such a difficult situation,

I raised a hand, they stop and look and stand there silently waiting.

“What’s going on here then?” And they both erupt in noise

Trying to blame each other like a right pair of schoolboys.

“I offered him a fiver to share his shisha pipe, but he said no I don’t want to and then he tried to fight”

“well I only tried to fight him cus he wouldn’t go away, its not my fault that he’s a dolt and when warned he chose to stay”

“You go inside. You stay out here” “If I have to speak to either of you again tonight you’ll be straight out on your ear”

And as I walk off I wonder to myself.

When they look at me are they seeing something else.

Something in this ridiculous fucking costume we all wear

Or maybe they sense danger in the fact that I don’t care.

Yeah right.

They’re just scared of getting banned so they can’t come here Friday nights.

Another night I think, I mean it seems the same as any other

I think I hinted earlier that they’re all the same as one another.

Anyway this declamation of my irritation from my internal monologue

is rudely interrupted by a thronging catalogue of demagogues,

their dialogue biting with bulldog savagery at my ears

As I am suddenly surrounded by those I call my peers.

“Falk Egg Boys! Born and Bred! Strong in the arm and good in bed!”

They’re cacophony a battery for misanthropy

“Howzat!” “Double Parked!” “Rigg-Rutt Girls are sexy but the boys can kiss my arse”

And I’m drowning beneath a sea of bodies and VK Blue

Someone gives a shout and now all I can see are shoes

Raised above their heads, a single living mass

And as I manage to slip away I let out a little laugh

Both at the spectacle and a slight inkling that tonight the best of all is yet to come.

A pop past perusal of the boys bogs sees the usual

piss covered floor tendriling out from the cubicles.

Nothing to see but fucking plenty to smell as I turn around I can tell that the yellow light of the lift is blinking.

Now I know that you know that I know what your thinking.

You don’t wear your glasses at work charlie you’re obviously squinting

It’s a night club with lights making you think that its winking.

But there’s something not right here I’m getting an inkling

Not burnt toast not a stroke must be my spidey sense is tingling.

Suspicious behaviour.

I’m starting to suspect someones in the elevator.

I grab the attention of one of my penguin brothers in the struggle

And give him the universal call sign for ‘Come quick! There’s trouble!’

Like Moses he parts the crowd until he’s close enough to hear me

As its pretty fucking loud I make sure I enunciate clearly

“I think there’s someone in the lift”

“What?”

“I think there’s someone in the lift”

“What?”

“I THINK THERE’S SOMEONE IN THE LIFT!”

“Ooooh, no need to shout’”

He says as he pulls his fucking ear plug out.

He grins and flexes his biceps which admittedly are bigger than mine

I start to lead the way though and he falls into line

We fly down the stairs two or more steps at a time

Eager to get there before the elevator bell chimes

We arrive

Doors open

I swear down it’s like slow motion.

The scene that is unveiled now, I shit you not

Is 6 people in their naughties with their hands on their crotch

5 boys, 1 girl, all crammed in

To a lift space the size of a fucking baked bean tin

At this point I’m done, I’m laughing “I give up!”

My shift partners in tears as he calls for back up

The heavies come

And their ripped out

Bits out

Tonight’s almighty twist now

I mean it’s the weirdest scene that I’ve seen

But I guess that’s what you get when you mix booze with fresh out of school teens

As I climb astride my bike I think to myself what a night

And I push off into the 5am morning sunlight

I think if I stick with this job I’m gonna need some sort of outlet

Maybe one day I’ll write a poem about it.

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One Response to “Charlie SST11 Draft”

  1. MouthyPoets June 3, 2016 at 12:48 pm #

    Hey Charlie!

    Really enjoyed reading this poem, written a few feedback notes 🙂

    Its light outside about quarter to five and I’ve just finished work

    I’m sweaty and I can feel my shirt

    Sticking to my back now

    – Great opener, right in the story – wasn’t totally sure why the 2nd and 3rd lines weren’t just one line to match the first? but love where you’ve put us

    I’m wishing I could track down

    The reason in the first place

    – these two lines jumped out a little – the rhyme and structure felt a little odd, like they were made to fir this rahter than being natural, kind of thing?

    I chose this as my workplace

    For £7 an hour.

    – good detail – could you go further with detail? is it £7? or is it £7.15 for example? just an idea

    Okay so its not the worst pay in the world –

    But when on your first day there is some pain of a girl

    Being sick on your arm

    Things shifting back and forth from panic to calm

    Some nob has set off the fire alarm

    And you’re require to maintain a level of composure and charm

    You can get an understanding of what it’s like to be a bouncer

    This stanza above is brilliant 🙂 funny, engaging, and brings us bang into the heart of the story. wasn’t sure if nob was spelt knob? haha.

    And to be honest I’m not sure I’m a very good one

    (LOVE THIS LINE!)

    I’m not big enough to get lairy

    I’m not mean enough to get scary

    I’m not sure my presence makes a drunk wary

    And to break the stereotype I always try to treat people fairly

    I don’t often like rhyme, but i think you might be nailling it!

    And sometimes I just can’t help it but laugh because the gaff I work at is the student’s union bar.

    And every night it’s the same faces going past

    And every night goes at the same pace not very fast

    -not very fast seems a little out of place at the end of this line – i understand you’re trying to keep the rhyme structure, but wasn’t sure if this jolts the reader/audience a little – maybe even jsut a comma would help?

    And to be honest it can get a bit boring

    But sometimes the things students do and the things students don’t,

    Reason escapes me.

    – same with this stanza, just feels a little unnatural, when the rest of the poem has an amazing colloquial rhythm.

    For example take the guy standing to my right

    Great guzzling gut on him some might say he’s larger than life.

    – Brilliant

    Captain of the drinkers, he can do a pint in 3

    Seconds that is not sips, and unfortunately

    – again, brillaint

    This is the third time that this evening, this gentleman has caught my eye

    Because he’s posing in peoples photos and walking round with his bollocks hanging out his fly.

    – Your humour is super engaging

    Tap him on the shoulder “excuse me mate, can I have a word?”

    He comes surprisingly compliantly the great disgusting turd

    i felt the ‘tird’ bit REALLY jolts the reader – until now, you’ve been fair, likeable person, and this seems like a really specific insult to call someone?

    ‘’Alright mate’’ he bellows ‘’whats this all about?”

    “you can’t be walking round with your bollocks hanging out”

    – excellent

    “I’ve told you twice already let this be your final warning

    Don’t do something silly you won’t remember in the morning”

    And with that he lummoxed off and I turned to watch him go

    But then a voice speaks in my ear from my radio

    Charlie Charlie receiving?

    Receiving go ahead.

    -this is brilliant, to bring us into events.

    There’s something happening on the smoking terrace, could be a fight there someone said.

    -someone said – do you need this? feels clunky?

    I step from the warm into the cool night air, wade through the smokers until I can see the pair, hands on each other with a fence in between, two humongous blocks of testosterone teen.

    As I get closer I see they’re bigger than me in principle,

    But little do they know that in this place I’m invincible

    I’ve got an armband and my boots and my waistcoat and my tie

    And if it goes pear-shaped I have the cavalry on standby.

    -really really good, funny, moves story along, really like it.

    Confidence is key in such a difficult situation,

    I raised a hand, they stop and look and stand there silently waiting.

    “What’s going on here then?” And they both erupt in noise

    Trying to blame each other like a right pair of schoolboys.

    “I offered him a fiver to share his shisha pipe, but he said no I don’t want to and then he tried to fight”

    “well I only tried to fight him cus he wouldn’t go away, its not my fault that he’s a dolt and when warned he chose to stay”

    “You go inside. You stay out here” “If I have to speak to either of you again tonight you’ll be straight out on your ear”

    And as I walk off I wonder to myself.

    When they look at me are they seeing something else.

    Something in this ridiculous fucking costume we all wear

    Or maybe they sense danger in the fact that I don’t care.

    Yeah right.

    They’re just scared of getting banned so they can’t come here Friday nights.

    Another night I think, I mean it seems the same as any other

    I think I hinted earlier that they’re all the same as one another.

    – this last line doesn’t do much for me?

    Anyway this declamation of my irritation from my internal monologue

    is rudely interrupted by a thronging catalogue of demagogues,

    their dialogue biting with bulldog savagery at my ears

    As I am suddenly surrounded by those I call my peers.

    “Falk Egg Boys! Born and Bred! Strong in the arm and good in bed!”

    (Loved how you performed this)

    They’re cacophony a battery for misanthropy

    “Howzat!” “Double Parked!” “Rigg-Rutt Girls are sexy but the boys can kiss my arse”

    And I’m drowning beneath a sea of bodies and VK Blue

    Someone gives a shout and now all I can see are shoes

    Raised above their heads, a single living mass

    And as I manage to slip away I let out a little laugh

    Both at the spectacle and a slight inkling that tonight the best of all is yet to come.

    A pop past perusal of the boys bogs sees the usual

    piss covered floor tendriling out from the cubicles.

    Nothing to see but fucking plenty to smell as I turn around I can tell that the yellow light of the lift is blinking.

    Now I know that you know that I know what your thinking.

    You don’t wear your glasses at work charlie you’re obviously squinting

    It’s a night club with lights making you think that its winking.

    But there’s something not right here I’m getting an inkling

    Not burnt toast not a stroke must be my spidey sense is tingling.

    Suspicious behaviour.

    I’m starting to suspect someones in the elevator.

    I grab the attention of one of my penguin brothers in the struggle

    And give him the universal call sign for ‘Come quick! There’s trouble!’

    Like Moses he parts the crowd until he’s close enough to hear me

    As its pretty fucking loud I make sure I enunciate clearly

    “I think there’s someone in the lift”

    “What?”

    “I think there’s someone in the lift”

    “What?”

    “I THINK THERE’S SOMEONE IN THE LIFT!”

    “Ooooh, no need to shout’”

    He says as he pulls his fucking ear plug out.

    He grins and flexes his biceps which admittedly are bigger than mine

    I start to lead the way though and he falls into line

    We fly down the stairs two or more steps at a time

    Eager to get there before the elevator bell chimes

    We arrive

    Doors open

    I swear down it’s like slow motion.

    The scene that is unveiled now, I shit you not

    Is 6 people in their naughties with their hands on their crotch

    5 boys, 1 girl, all crammed in

    To a lift space the size of a fucking baked bean tin

    At this point I’m done, I’m laughing “I give up!”

    My shift partners in tears as he calls for back up

    The heavies come

    And their ripped out

    Bits out

    Tonight’s almighty twist now

    I mean it’s the weirdest scene that I’ve seen

    But I guess that’s what you get when you mix booze with fresh out of school teens

    As I climb astride my bike I think to myself what a night

    And I push off into the 5am morning sunlight

    This whole section is really engaging (hence lack of notes 🙂 ) There might be a few places where it could be cut down, feels a little long, but in general is super captivating.

    I think if I stick with this job I’m gonna need some sort of outlet

    Maybe one day I’ll write a poem about it.

    Okay. So. This last bit, I’m super not a fan, but I’m aware that might jsut be me – for me, it’s the equivalent of a ‘and then he woke up’ kind of ending, you’re jolting the reader out of the story, and I’m not sure the joke is good enough to do that, in comparison to ending on ‘the 5am morning sunlight’. Just a thought.

    Amazing poem bud, really really enjoyed it, if there was one overall note I’d just say keep looking for places you can cut down, even if it’s just a word here or there, to make sure it flows as well as possible.

    Chris
    Artistic Development

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