neal pike audtorium draft 3

5 Jun

feedback welcome please is it too repetive? does anything jar? does it git together?does the ending work?
——

wings   oddly   bolted

pulling this body    in   wrong   directions

—-

bramble wrapped tongue

scratched words into irrevlance

from  a young  age

I  used   my   mouth  more  sparingly

 

—–

elders  around   me said

I  used  it   too  much   it was   mainly   windless

clouds  that  took   time  to  shift  places


i took  time to shift places

 

—-

I  was diffiernt with  oddly botled wings  that still

Twisted every time concrete/doors /carpet got my name

chose  to  sing  with tongues  like  mine

the  word   brave  caused  feathers  on my  wings  to recede

drop  like pellets

being  pushed  backwards

against a crowd of clouds

for  wanting to  push  forwards

 

—–

 

I could and wanted too

winds around me coverd my wings with the word

brave that  stroked  my  head  telling  me  I didn’t  have   to

do these  things  like  flying   backwards   or  singing  home written songs

I was brave for this

– – –
brave  for  not   letting   oddly  jointed  wings

fall  fall back  to   the  nest

brave  for not letting my tongue

stay sleep in its nest of thorns

brave for not  allowing

the word brave to dust

my wings

brave for flying  to  stages

not flying off when the crowd drapes my edges


brave for not shutting a mouth that
I should be without

In a world that

uses brave as

a

As a hessian sack

to cover

me /people

with wings that join oddly

Or sing  to quietly

or too loudly

or spill words

that weighted their wings

for much time

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2 Responses to “neal pike audtorium draft 3”

  1. MouthyPoets June 5, 2016 at 6:09 pm #

    Feedback!! (From Joni)
    I really like the poem I think it’s very powerful and made me very thoughtful, I especially liked how the stanzas were varied length and broken- was this to emphasise how “odd” the wings are? Or was it to convey something else? You could try thinking about gradually increasing length of stanza as the poem goes on to represent a strengthening of character??
    Also, how come you chose the adverb “oddly”? I think it works well as it sticks out from the rest of the words in my opinion.
    You asked if the ending is “effective” and I really like it; whether it is effective however depends on what your intention was!! It made me feel angry towards society and also partially guilty in the sense that I am part of “society” and therefore reflected upon my own actions- is this the emotion you want the audience to feel??

    I hope this was helpful in some way- I cannot wait to hear it performed live woo!!

  2. MouthyPoets June 7, 2016 at 12:09 pm #

    Right bud, I’m going all in for this editing, so ignore whatever you don’t need.

    wings oddly bolted
    pulling this body in wrong directions
    -cracking start. yes Neal.

    —-

    bramble wrapped tongue
    scratched words into irrevlance
    -spelled irrelevance – is that the word you mean?
    from a young age
    – feels a little bit easy?
    I used my mouth more sparingly
    – do you need the word ‘more’ here?

    —–

    elders around me said
    – is theere a more emotive word than ‘said’
    I used it too much it was mainly windless
    -windless? Is there a better word for here?
    clouds that took time to shift places
    – like this, do you need the word ‘places’?


    i took time to shift places

    – NICE
    —-

    I was diffiernt with oddly botled wings that still
    – speeling with ‘different’ and ‘bolted’
    Twisted every time concrete/doors /carpet got my name
    – I don’t understand this line?

    chose to sing with tongues like mine
    the word brave caused feathers on my wings to recede
    – should brave be italicised?
    drop like pellets
    – I think this comes across a little comical? like poop?

    being pushed backwards
    against a crowd of clouds
    for wanting to push forwards
    – Don’t need the third line? doesn’t do much?

    —–

    I could and wanted too
    winds around me coverd my wings with the word
    – I don’t know if these two lines do enough?
    brave that stroked my head telling me I didn’t have to
    do these things like flying backwards or singing home written songs
    I was brave for this
    – this is stronger, more powerful

    – – –
    brave for not letting oddly jointed wings
    fall fall back to the nest
    brave for not letting my tongue
    stay sleep in its nest of thorns
    – THIS IS YOUR MEAT OF THE POEM – there’s a few bits before this where you lose me a bit, but this bit is like ‘YES NEAL! YOU BLOODY TELL THEM!’
    brave for not allowing
    the word brave to dust
    my wings
    brave for flying to stages
    not flying off when the crowd drapes my edges
    – i feel like the word ‘drape’ is odd here?


    brave for not shutting a mouth that
    I should be without

    – YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!

    In a world that
    uses brave as
    a
    As a hessian sack
    to cover
    me /people
    with wings that join oddly
    Or sing to quietly
    or too loudly
    or spill words
    that weighted their wings
    for much time
    – THIS STANZA IS SPOT ON, except your last line, what does this mean? really jumps out and jars, don’t understand it at all?

    Serious bud, you’ve bloody written the poem you set out to write, and it’s quality. I think maybe a little more cutting down, but you have a hell of a piece, and you’re gonna smash it.

    Chris
    Artistic Development

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