Petra Mijic – SST11 Draft 3

5 Jun

Hi Mouthies! Could anyone help me out with some feedback please?

I’ve been editing my poem for SST11 and I’d like to know how my 3rd draft comes across in comparison to my 2nd. I’ve changed the layout, and changed my performance style in draft 3, in that I’m aiming to come across more as if I am enthusiastically introducing my cooking show to the audience, as part of my overall poem. Do you think this over complicates a poem that worked before, or adds to the impact of the poem? (both 2nd and 3rd draft below for comparison).

I’m also needing some clarity on whether or not my poem is suitable for a 12A audience?

I have no idea which stage to perform on if it is suitable, could anyone help me out by letting me know what’s different about the two stages?

Lastly, I estimate the running time to be 2min 30sec.

Thanks!

Petra


 

Hello everyone, and welcome to my cooking channel.

Today I’m going to be sharing this recipe for baking a disaster and I’m really excited to show you my kitchen, as I have some new ingredients.

I think that’s everything so lets get started!

The ingredients for today that you’ll need are;

 

1 deceased father

1 unavailable mother

1 isolated depressed child

1 sadistic child molester

 

Once you’ve got your ingredients,

I want you to take the isolated child

and place them in

a supposedly safe educational environment,

and then, in an unsupervised room,

mix them well with

a covertly sadistic child molester.

 

Make sure to add plenty of attention, praise and encouragement to

the accessibly vulnerable at this point,

and then take one cup full of innocence,

and begin to mould the connection,

making sure to really secure the child’s trust in the process.

 

For a fuller flavour, spice well with

a clear intent of misguided direction,

allowing a good few years for the attraction to rise

and for the attachment to settle.

At this point, be sure to introduce a large splash of helplessness into the mix,

just for good measure.

 

Next you’ll want to decorate her fate

with a repertoire of rules.

Do not allow the child to talk.

Do not allow the child to leave and

Do not allow the child to understand what’s happening.

 

Rape.

Repeat this process as necessary.

You can’t really overdo it here, so don’t worry about that,

but do be careful to fold in convincing reassurances and handfuls of black lies,

whilst you whisk away those first precious moments.

 

Next, place your creation in a scorching hot oven,

just long enough for the realisation to begin to sink in,

and for the heart to break into pieces.

 

To ensure silence, remove from the oven and allow to cool until frozen in fear.

Finish your masterpiece

by coating with

a sickly sweet glaze of denial

and thick layers of victim blame.

 

To preserve your product,

aim to fully fragment the mind by slicing into pieces,

and make sure to apply a derogatory label,

whilst placing in a cold and dark isolated room.

 

And there you have it, one exceptional disaster!

 

Well that’s all we’ve got time for today on my cooking channel,

but do feel free to share this recipe with your friends and family,

and remember its a delicacy,

that’s best served chilled.

 

 

 

SST11 – Draft Two

Recipe for Disaster

Ingredients

 

1 deceased father

1 unavailable mother

1 innocent, abandoned child, told to be seen and not heard

Place in:

a supposedly safe educational environment

and mix well with:

1 sadistic child molester

 

After sifting through the potential ingredients add:

10 heaped tea spoons of praise and encouragement 

to:

the most accessibly vulnerable,

then pour in:

1 cup full of trust

and spice well with:

a clear intent of misguided direction.

 

Allow a good few months for the attraction to rise and for the attachment to settle.

Make sure to introduce:

a large splash of helplessness, 

for good measure.

Decorate with:

a repertoire of rules:

Do not allow the child to talk. Do not allow the child to leave. Do not allow the child to understand.

 

Rape.

Repeat this process as necessary, carefully folding in:

reassurances, black lies and emotional ties,

whilst whisking away those first moments.

Aim to fragment the mind.

 

 

To ensure silence, finish your masterpiece by coating with

a glaze of denial and thick layers of victim blame.

To preserve your product make sure to keep it in

a dark isolated room.

Best served chilled.

 

 

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2 Responses to “Petra Mijic – SST11 Draft 3”

  1. MouthyPoets June 9, 2016 at 7:08 pm #

    Hi there – Anne here – I think I’ve given you some feedback on Facebook page – but if you need more please ask x

    • MouthyPoets June 16, 2016 at 2:19 pm #

      Hi Anne, thanks alot for your feedback! X

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