Kat SST11 Draft 3

11 Jun

Hey, is it possible to have any quick feedback on this before the deadline tomorrow – Thanks 🙂

This is when you should have gone straight home.
Still in your work uniform,
this story is practically naked.

Fuelled by peer pressure, Skins, Tescos,
there’s a stiff door, Chinese food, details scattered like cigarette butts
on the utility room floor.
There’s knives, bleach, water.
Someone unresponsive.
This story is increasingly concerned.

This story decides you look responsible enough,
that you should laugh along with police officers,
talk about death
by saying “this is probably a joke”,
blame the parents you’ve never met,
need them.

This story is 7 shots when you get in then sleep.
This story stutters afterwards.
Leaving you with beige carpet burn and lack of consequent knowledge,
questions endure like dial tones,
unable to remain as undisturbed
as the government systems, the adults that follow them

This story is left finding a purpose,
a place in your adolescence,
finding parallels to uncomfortable smiles,
broken glass on the pavement.

This story scars.

It’s unable to stop shaking, a richochet
response to the unresponsive.
This story is increasingly concerned.

Advertisements

3 Responses to “Kat SST11 Draft 3”

  1. MouthyPoets June 11, 2016 at 12:49 pm #

    Love:

    • How ‘someone unresponsive’ follows – list of lots of smaller details, it gives it more impact.
    • ‘talk about death…joke’
    • dial tones comparison

    Questions:

    What is the purpose of using the ‘this story’ narrative/What do you hope to achieve from it? Who does the story represent? What’s the narrative behind it?

    Suggestions:

    Could you show us rather than tell us what ‘the story’ is a bit more?

    I hope that’s helpful – I’ve you want more of a dialogue It’s best to message me rather than on the blog, I’ll try to get back to you.

    Katie

  2. MouthyPoets June 11, 2016 at 1:15 pm #

    I love how you’ve used this quite distanced way of telling the story, I think it adds to its impact.

    On first reading I felt like Katie, that I wanted to be shown the story a bit more, but the more I read it I think I like the cold recollection of facts and the doubt this leaves us with as to what exactly has happened, so I think it depends what your intention is with the piece really.

    I feel like it ‘makes sense’ as it is now, to answer your first question; I get a strong sense of what’s happened and the response of the ‘you’ of the poem/ the poem’s speaker to the events (if the ‘you’ and the speaker are the same person, and I feel like they are?)

    ‘Fuelled by peer pressure, Skins, Tescos,
    there’s a stiff door, Chinese food, details scattered like cigarette butts’ — Love this, I can see the setting straight away from this.

    ‘Blame the parents you’ve never met
    Need them’
    At first I assumed these were the parents of the unresponsive person, then it dawned on me that it could be the speaker’s parents? I like the shift that the second line adds to this thought.

    In response to ‘is anything glaringly pointless/jarring?’, not glaringly, but if I’m being ruthless I feel like these lines tripped me up a bit: ‘unable to remain as undisturbed
    as the government systems, the adults that follow them’. Generally in this poem I love the specificity of your images but I feel like, with these lines, I couldn’t quite get at what you were trying to say?

    This is really controlled, vivid storytelling, I enjoyed it 🙂
    Beccy

  3. MouthyPoets June 12, 2016 at 11:58 am #

    I really like the way you give “the story” human characteristics. It adds a really interesting dimension for the narrative. I can’t really comment on the use of language as is quite specific and I don’t see any necessity for change there. If I had to pick something out, I’d say to really capitalize on the personification of “the story” when performing it through vocal emphasis and emotion. “This story is increasingly concerned.” “This story scars.”

    -Robbert v.D

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: