Kat SST11 Final Draft

12 Jun

This is when you should have gone straight home.
Still in your work uniform,
someone is practically naked.

Fuelled by peer pressure, Skins, Tescos,
there’s a locked door, Chinese food, details scattered like cigarette butts
on the utility room floor.
There’s knives, bleach, water.
Someone unresponsive.
You, increasingly concerned.

This story decides you look responsible enough,
that you should laugh along with police officers,
talk about death
by saying “this is probably a joke”,
blame the parents you’ve never met,
need them.

This ends with 7 shots when you get in then sleep,

this stutters afterwards.
Leaves you with beige carpet burn and lack of consequent knowledge,
questions, hanging like dial tones,
unable to remain as undisturbed
as the adults were.
Unable to call collapsing into tiles, arms,
a phase.

You are left finding a purpose,
a place in your adolescence
for this,
beyond parallels to uncomfortable smiles
and broken glass on the pavement.

This story scars,

starts again.
Unable to stop shaking, a ricochet
response to the unresponsive.
This story is increasingly concerned.

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One Response to “Kat SST11 Final Draft”

  1. MouthyPoets June 16, 2016 at 1:00 pm #

    Hi Kat,
    Nice work. This works really well. I’ve got no general suggestions as it’s great but I think you can make it a little stronger and more percussive….just do a bit of line by line honing….I think even shorter lines would work well, e.g:

    You should have
    gone straight home
    in your work uniform
    someone is practically
    naked. Skins, Tescos,
    a locked door, Chinese
    food, details scattered
    like cigarette butts.
    Knives, bleach, water
    someone unresponsive.
    You look responsible
    enough to laugh with
    police officers….

    etc…. I know this edit might jar a bit for you. Your repetitions of ‘this story’ are very nice. But I feel the skeleton of the poem is strong enough without it. You might feel that this version loses sense, but for me cutting out the linking passages captures the urgency of the story and the narrative still comes through…. I think it’s a really strong poem, so just tightening it so that strength really hits us is the way to go, in my opinion. Nice work… Hannah

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